Friday, October 13, 2006

Daddy's Girl

Yesterday would have been my dad's birthdy.
Even after more than 10 years I miss him so much.

I was doing OK yesterday - or maybe I was fooling myself. But in the early hours I woke and all the pain of loss came flooding back and the tears were there again. I wish he was still here, I wish I could see his smile and hear his voice. I wish I could talk to him and listen to his advice. To be safe in the knowledge that he loved me and would be there for me, whatever happened.

I met my friend Sue some years before Dad died. She'd lost her father not long before and missed him dreadfully - like me she was a Daddy's Girl. I distinctly remember her saying to me "Cherish him, because you're like me, and you are going to miss him if anything happens".

Yes, it does get easier to get through the days and weeks, but the real shock is that there are still times that catch me off guard, it's often a piece of music, or the simply the mellow sound of the euphonium which he played beautifully. Hearing Schubert's Serenade on the radio is guaranteed to make me cry for this was one of his solo pieces and is one of the loveliest pieces of music I know.

He was completely straight and certain in his beliefs - he knew what his life was about and what was right and what was wrong - he'd tell you if he thought you were wrong, but never ever reject you for having a different point of view.

This time of year is full of anniversaries and reminders and sometimes the sadness just overwhelms me. I try to blur the worst dates, the ones when my mum and dad died, but ingrained special dates are harder - my eldest nephew's birthday is at the start of September, I wonder if he even remembers the many hours he spent with his Grandad. My own birthday is on the 15th - and I was actually born on mum and dad's wedding anniversary so that's a tough one. Two weeks later on the 28th, well that's mum's birthday and two weeks after that it's dad's. Please spare me a kind thought if you can. I'm so sorry, this isn't fun is it?

So I'll just go now and try and find myself some peace and maybe some comfort in doing something practical. But before I go think on what Sue said. If you're a Daddy's Girl too, and you still have your beloved father - then cherish him because you can't begin to imagine what it's like not to have him there. Hoard your memories, Let him know how much he means to you and give your dad a hug - because I'd love to be able to do that to mine and I can't.


LisaBabe said...

Aww Kathy, times like this are terrible aren't they. It's 15 years on Sunday since my Dad died and I still miss him so much.

Take care - I'll be thinking about you xoxo

Rachel said...

Kathy, firstly Im sending you a huge ((((((((((hhhhhuuuuuuuuggggggggg)))) from Charlotte, Jack and myself. I know yesterday must have been hard for you, having lost my grandad 5 weeks before Charlottes birth was really hard for me, and I know what you mean about certain dates. Im sure both your parents are looking down on you and thinking what a fantastic job they did bringing up such a lovely, caring, considerate, and talented lady and its a shame they are not around for those hugs we desperatley(sp) miss. Am thinking of you, take care xxxxxxxxxx

Saffa said...

Kathy, Sending you much love and hugs!
#You brought tears to my eyes, me and my sisters are daddies girls and we do hug him alot and I always tell him how much I love him. Is good to have a reminder though!! I hope you are felling better. I rememeber on my wedding day I all of a sudden felt the terrible loss of no having my Grandad with me and even now I always wish that my grandads had lived to see the kind of women we have become and our families!
God Bless hun

Jane said...

aaawww Kathy, you made me cry. Sending you big hugs.

I gve my Dad a big hug yesterday- and he smiled shyly, bless him. I will take your advise and cherish him even more.

Kel said...

Kathy, I'm sat here in tears. My dad is so special to me and I always give him a hug and kiss, even if I've only popped round for 5 minutes. I don't know what I'll ever do without him when the time comes... Anyway, have a few hugs from me too x

Janine said...

Hugs kathy. It's hard not to have any emotions whether it's 1 year or 20 years. You have a lot of anniversaries there to contend with. Just be gentle with yourself. I certainly think blogging certainly helps.

Lythan said...

Kathy what an eloquent post. I think you have expressed beautifully what grief can be. sending hugs and love and prayers

Anonymous said...

Oh Kathy :( Those kind of anniversaries are so hard, and I can totally relate to music bringing back memories and catching you off guard. Sending lots of love and hugs x

Michele said...

Hi Kathy
Thanks for the link.

Sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time at the moment and missing your Dad terribly. Its nice that you have such wonderful memories of your relationship and thats something you can cherish forever.
Michele (NZ)

annmarie said...

I've just read your bit about your Dad, and there are tears in my eyes, too. Your dad sounds terribly like mine - I once wondered what I would put on his tombstone, and decided that the phrase 'a man of integrity' summed him up.

It still hurts that he hasn't got that tombstone, just a very small plaque with his name on, because my mother had him cremated (and I hate cremation: it has all sorts of connotations for me that mean I wouldn't have wanted it for my dad, ever)

One birthday I gave him a card that said "I read in the Reader's Digest that if we suddenly heard the world was to end in five minutes, the phone lines would be jammed with people wanting to get in contact with the people they loved to tell them they loved them. So this card is to tell you: I love you." When he opened it he didn't say a word, but the look on his face told me all I wanted to know, and I'll always remember that.

Lots and lots of love and hugs from another Daddy's girl.

maggie said...

Kathy i know excactly how you feel i was a daddy's girl being his first born had something to do with it.My dad died very suddenly on june 14th 2005 it's a day i will never forget i miss him so much.He acctually sounds a lot like your dad Kathy.Sending you a big (((((HHHHHUUUUGGGG)))))
Take care Kathy x